How To Identify A 'True Goth'

To be a 'True Goth' the following must apply:

Subject imitates his behaviour on Manson (idealy Marilyn but Charlie is also acceptable) but has no idea who Bauhaus or Siouxsie and the Banshees are
Subject thinks Joy Division is a 60's hippie group
Subject refuses to smile because being happy is 'not goth'
Subject tries to imitate NIN literally
Subject is 'into vampyres', but has no idea who Lord Ruthven is
Subject's wardrobe contains nothing but black clothes, not because they like black, but because other colours are 'too agonisingly cheerful'
Subject is either an atheist or a Satanist, but in both cases 'worships' the Devil
Subject 'worships' the Devil by burning Bibles and carving crosses in their wrists
Subject wears a riveted dogcollar, not because it's a fetish thing, but because it's 'goth'
Subject skips classes regularly, but claims to be 'into philosophy', yet looks blank when you ask their views on works other than those by Karl Marx
Subject believes people who appear to find aspects of this world somewhat bearable are inferior and have been brainwashed by 'those fucking Christians', 'those fucking hippies', or 'fucking capitalist bullshit'
Subject may or may not smoke pot
Subject must smoke tobacco (not because it's 'goth', but because they want to die)
Subject constantly 'attempts' suicide, but conveniently lets people know in advance, forgets to lock the door, and mistakes their palm for their wrist
Subject is only 'goth' on weekends

Contents

- Maori Myths & Legends

- For the Glory of Rome
- The Sanity of Professor R.J. Basil Part One, Two, Three
- The Trials of Archibald Henderson of Windsor

- Convergere

- Other