Life, et. al.

My Diary- March- May 2000

Monday, 14 March, 10:22 pm

Well, this is my first entry in my journal. I guess it would be good to start off with some background information. The subjects I take are English, maths, graphics, classics, history, and physics. Well, what a selection. You're telling me. I have no social life any more. Since the start of term I have not had one free weekend. They've all been taken up by schoolwork. But here's the funny thing. I don't really mind. I've gotten used to my routine of homework and I've forgotten how I used to live. I'll try to put the time as well as the date with my entries. I guarantee there will be some late ones. This is early for me. It just so happens I finished my homework early tonight. I'll probably write every day if I can, but after the rest of my homework. I'm not really sure what to write about being the first entry and all. But here's something. I thought I didn't mind homework, but I see that's not quite accurate. i don't mind doing it, but I miss other people. Unknowingly, I have become distant from my friends and I miss them. I don't have time to do stuff with them anymore. I wonder if this will ever change.

Friday, 17 March, 8:54 am

As I don't have anything to write about, I will write about why I dislike this activity. I think it is bad having some entries at night at home, and some in the day at school. I'm feeling different now than I will be later, so that removes the consistency from my writing. Well that's that over with. So you want me to write about life after death? Ok, if you really want to know what I think, here it is. I believe in reincarnation. Life is a constant for everything, so in a sense death is never the end. In the same way, suicide is never a way out, because you will only face the same problems in the next life. You need to conquer you're fears, and live a happy life. I might not seem it at times, but I guess I live a happy life. I guess we'll see. I'll try to write in here again tonight, when I have more time.

Monday, 20 March, 8:54 am

Well well well, here we are in the morning writing again. Humph. I see my attitude hasn't changed since Friday. Oh well. Ok lets see. Friendship do you say? Ok friendship. I have friends. You have friends. We all have friends. Big deal. Friends are good, don't get me wrong, we all need friends, but some of us tend to rely on friends too much. When we are separated from our friends we don't know how to cope and we go insane. I don't think that's a good thing. Like if we are put in solitude, a lot of us would think about their friends and what we will say to them when we see them etc. etc. when we should be using the time to explore our inner selves. To do that we have to forget our friends and everything else in our lives. Because if we have someone else in our minds we are influenced by them, which draws us away from ourselves. Our thoughts turn into their thoughts and we slowly become someone else. We look the same. We talk the same. We even feel the same. What we need is some individuality. We all say we are individuals, but we aren't really. We have the same haircuts, the same clothes, the same look, the same feel, everything is the same. To really call yourself individual you have to make your clothes yourself from cotton or wool you have spun yourself. You have to think what you want without being affected by others. We say we do this but most of us don't. I might go to a dance, but really the only reason Im going is because someone else is. Not because I want to.

Monday, 20 March, 9:12 pm

I know this is my second entry for today but I just felt like I needed to write something. usually i would write in my real diary, but I have given it up in favour of writing this instead, and I've turned my diary into a poetry book. Well now I've got that out of the way, I'll get to what I wanted to say. Here's the thing. I'm doing classics, and we're doing mythology and stuff, and I've been doing some of my own research into it and other so called myths, and I'm getting into it so much that I'm actually starting to believe it. i mean, I'm actually starting to believe that all the gods were real. I know that might sound a bit odd, and you probably think I'm crazy, but it's true. I'm beginning to question everything I've been taught is fiction or myths. Like fairies for example. A year ago I would have I would have thought they didn't exist, but now Im not so sure. And here's the other thing, which incidentally is what my speech is aimed at, the reason Im not a total believer is Im afraid of being ridiculed by people. And I know what would happen if I told people. All the things that we were told as children, all the myths, all the fairy tales, anything we ever considered fantasy, Im starting to believe. And why not? I mean, Im not being anti anything here don't get me wrong, but take God for example. People aren't ridiculed for believing in God, so why not fairies or centaurs or dragons or Zeus? Its this damn discrimination our society spawns along with hatred and spite. Because you see something classed as fantasy is 'not believed' because it is better than real life. And for people to believe in something so 'fantastic' is just ridiculous. There are stories fairies only live in the astral plane now, because the world has become a wasteland of hate and misery. Im inclined to agree.

Tuesday, 21 March, 2:13 pm

Ok fine. What the world will be like in 2099. Hmmmm. Let me think. Well, for a start, we will be ruled by apes. They will be our masters and we will be slaves. They will wear clothes, ride horses, and live in buildings, and humans run wild in the pasture. We will be hunted for our hides, scalps, and left hands (they make good luck charms). But because the world will be so polluted by then, the apes will be mutants and will have 3 eyes, a tail, 6 fingers on each hand, and webbed feet. Some rare varieties even have wings. But these are considered freaks of nature and are outcast from society. During the great revolution, winged monkeys and humans unite and try to overthrow the government. it fails and all are wiped out. So only the 'normal' apes survive. But then the great rat plague occurs. Over 80% of the apes die. Rats are the new rulers of the Earth. And there we have it. The history of things to come.

Thursday, 23 March, 11:19 am

Well here we are again. This time talking about... superstition. Well, lets see. I suppose this ties in with my entry the other day on fairies, so I'll say some more. i think the word superstition is incorrect. It loosely means something that cant be explained, and is often associated with things that the 'normal people' don't believe in, like werewolves, vampires, ghosts, goblins, and of course fairies. Personally, I believe in all the above. So to me they're not 'supernatural'. They're just plain natural. Now do you think I'm crazy? Sometimes I think I am. But who are you to call me crazy? To say i am crazy means I am different to the 'norm'. But what is normal? Are you normal? If so, what makes you more so than me?

Tuesday, 28 March, 11:05 pm

Ah what shall we talk about today? Lets have a think. Shall I refer to my topic list, pick one, then write meaningless words on a subject I don't really care about? Maybe I should, but im not going to. im too sick of this god damn society structure and confinement with rules and boundaries and walls and codes of conduct and morals and etiquette. What the hell is this all about? We say that without rules and regulations we could not survive. there would be chaos and the world would collapse. Hah! I think not. We are not that important. the only thing that would collapse is society, and that could very well leave the world better off. i mean, take some of the things that 'elevate' us above the other animals. Our complex social structure, our use of technology, our morals and manners and politeness, the same very things that are destroying the world and the rest of the animal kingdom. We are nothing more than a plague, and we don't have the guts or politeness to admit it.

Saturday, 01 April, 11:03 pm

Damn I haven't written in this for a while. That's because I've been busy with my speech. My speech. My speech I spent ages on and performed what I considered to be the best speech I have ever done. But somehow, I seem to have been deluded. My speech was only good enough for a 3 out of 5. Hmmm. Now, I wouldn't have a problem if it was a justified 3 out of 5. If my speech was crap, if my content sucked, if my voice was bad, if i read it off cards, if I didn't move, if that was the comment I wouldn't have a problem with a low grade. But it was quite the opposite. The comment didn't even say what was wrong with it. in case you cant tell, im really pissed off. This reminds me of something I heard on the Simpsons once; "Son, you tries your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is: never try" im inclined to agree. i don't give a shit about making an effort anymore. Not if this is how its going to end up. I was so pissed off I had to go and get drunk last night. It didn't help. Im still pissed off and Ill probably stay that way. To hell with society, i give up. Life is a lemon and I want my money back!

Monday, 03 April, 11:11 pm

Ok I cant write for long because Im tired. But i want to show that Im not slack after all. Well, I cant really think of anything to write about. Im not quite sure that I've got anything more to say about my speech. Ummmmm....... Well, I bought Pink Floyd- Wish You Were Here the other day. Its real cool. Its similar to The Wall in that it seems to be about how society shapes people. Especially the song Welcome To The Machine. One of the lines is "What did you dream? Its alright, we told you what to dream" To me that is saying that society is telling us how to think.

Saturday, 09 April, 11:02 pm

Ok i just watched The Avengers. i never saw the original so I cant make a comparison, but Im sure the original was better. Pretty much the whole movie was about the English and how they drink tea. Well we all know that and we don't need a movie to tell us. Incidentally, the only reason i haven't written in here for ages is because I had so much work last week. But that should be better now I don't have school to worry about. I've just glanced through some of my recent entries and they've been a bit psycho. Well who can blame me? I've been under a lot of pressure. That's what society can do to a man. im lucky i didn't crack. but Im not going to let society bring me down anymore. Maybe I should just talk about something else. Ok I know. I think New Zealand should become a republic and have a constitution. Personally i think we would all be better off without England and if we had a constitution our politicians couldn't just change the law every day to suit them. I'd vote for that.

Monday, 10 April, 10:53 pm

Well arent holidays fun. I have absolutely nothing to do. I thought the holidays were going to be real cool. But I guess theyre not. Now I know what youre thinking. And the answer is no. I dont miss school. I need this break. Its not very exciting though. Hmm, I guess i could be doing homework..... nah. Id rather not. Damn Ive got a lot to do though. Oh well, Ill do it later. Thats me. Procrastination is my middle name.

Tuesday, 11 April, 11:28 pm

Well I see Im writing a little later than usual. Thats because Ive been reading. Whats that you say? Me reading? I know it sounds like im making stuff up, but really I have been reading Ive been reading this book by Herodotus. Its called the Histories. Its a really screwed up book. It is suposed to be about the Persian Wars, but from what Ive read so far I have no idea. its written in a really wierd way. Like, it starts telling a story, and then everytime it mentions a person or a place it goes into a big explanation about it or them. So Im really confused as to what is happening. But its pretty cool so far. I havent read much, and its like 700 pages (gasp!). Oh and thats the other thing. Everytime it finishes an explanation of something, it goes back into the main story by starting a sentence with Anyway... I just thought that was really wierd. Anyway, I dont have much more to say so I think Ill stop.

Wednesday, 12 April, 11:16 pm

Ive been looking on the internet for stuff for my history project on 1960's science fiction movies. Hah! What a joke. Well lets see. We have Planet of the Apes and 2001: A Space Odyssey. They were the only good movies I found. Lets see some of the others; The Diabolical Dr Mabuse. The Day The Earth Caught Fire. X- The Man With The X-Ray Eyes. The End Of August At The Hotel Ozone. Daleks- Invasion Earth 2150 AD. Do I need continue? I think not. I know I havent seen any of these so I cant judge them but just to illustrate the importance of a good title, they all sound pretty crap to me.

Thursday, 13 April, 10:48 pm

I'm not gonna write for long tonight because Im going to Akaroa tomorrow for 3 nights and I want to get some sleep. Im so looking forward to it. Im going with 3 friends and we're staying in a batch. Its gonna be so cool. I'm not taking my diary so this will be my last entry for a while. Anyway, Ive been listening to Pink Floyd The Wall Live today and it is so cool. i totally agree with the whole wall idea of being controlled by society, everyone being the same, and anyone whos different being condemned and shunned from society. One of my favourite lines from the album is an add lib from the concert "Are there any paranoids in the audience tonight? Is there anyone who worries about things? Pathetic. This is for all the weak people in the audience. Is there anyone here whos weak? This is for you its called run like hell." I love that, it really sums everything up nicely. The thing is, i really agree with all that stuff, im really sick of society and all that but what can i do about it? I dont know but Im gonna think of something. Actually, I probably wont but its still a nice thought. i need change. Everything is the same all the time. I get up, I go to school, i come home, i go to bed, I get up, i go to school.... When does it end? Does it end? Maybe it ends when I leave shcool but then its just I get up, I go to work... Im sick of this. There must be more to life than this.

Monday, 17 April, 9:23 pm

Well Im just back from Akaroa. I had a great time, but Im not going to go into detail. Well I guess the worst part of a holiday is coming back. I feel real sad that Im home. i wanted to stay in Akaroa. Everything is just so boring here. Nothing has changed since I left. its like Ive only been away 3 nights but since nothing has changed its like a few hours. Absolutely nothing has happened here. It makes you realise how boring life can be. i guess this is where im supposed to say 'From this day forward, I vow to live life to the fullist.' But Im not going to. Thats all bullshit. Good things are wasted on people that say things like that. The only reason they want to live life to the fullist is because they think that their life has been wasted. Life cant be wasted, no matter what you do. People like that want cheap thrills because they dont want other people to think theyre boring. And because of that everything is wasted on them. Its not what you do, its why you do it. They do it to satisfy their boredom or to look good in others eyes. They will never stop to appriciate life because they find life boring. people joke about watching grass grow. Thats because they think its boring. but have you ever stopped to watch it? Have you ever watched a flower bloom? The sun set? if you havent, its probably because youre too busy,. and you think its too boring. Well you go run around in your jobs and your so called 'life'. i dont care what you do. But Im not going to do it. im not going to be a part of all this crap. And if you dont like it, or if you think im boring or crazy, then so be it. Im going to do what i want to do. You want me? Fucking well come and find me. I'll be waiting.

Tuesday, 18 April, time irrelevant

"You cannot reach me now. No matter how you try. Goodbye cruel world, it's over; walk on by." I'm sitting here. By myself. All alone. No one else around. No one to talk to. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. For what? For tomorrow to come. To start the day again. To wake up and smell the coffee. Oh thats alright, everything will be better by tomorrow. Sleep on it. Take a rest. Have a think. By tomorrow you'll feel a box of birds. Yeah, whatever. Keep telling yourself. If you wait for tomorrow all your problems will dissapear. "They say that no man is an island and good things come to those who wait. But the things I hear are there just to remind me; every dog will have his day."

Wednesday, 19 April

Blah blah blah blah blah. Here we are again. And am I in a good mood? You guess. No! Why would I ever be happy? Ive got no reason to be happy, nothing good has happened. Ive still got shit loads of homework to do. But I dont care about that. I dont care about anything anymore. Blah blah blah. You must be getting sick of all this crap I've been writing. Oh well I've got nothing better to write about. I live I breath I arrive I leave I love I hate before its too late but gone am I cant wait to die. " I blame this world for making a good man evil. Yes its this world that can drive a good man mad. And its this world that can turn a killer into a hero. Well I blame this world for making a good man bad."

Just so you know, Ive given up dating entries. its too much work trying tofigure out what day it is. So what shall we talk about today? Maybe I should clarify a few things. Looking back on a few of my entries and they seem a bit one sided. I still agree with all the shit about society and stuff, but I have some good views too. There may be problems with society, life may be unfair, but its one thing to blame all your problems on that and another on yourself. Ok, I got a bad mark for my speech. Ok, it may have been unfair. I have a right to be angry. But I was also to blame. There must have been things wrong with my speech. Its too easy to blame the world. Maybe no one is to blame. Maybe there was no problem. i dont know. But the point is you cant linger on shit like that. Ill tell you more tomorrow.

OK time to explain. My poem is being published in an anthology. The reason this links on to yeasterday is the poem was about my speech. If I had got a good mark, I wouldnt have written it, and wouldnt be getting published. Thats irony for you. On to other matters, Ive started reading Dracula. its damn good. Its written as journal entries by different characters. They are a lot different to my journal entries. but my life isnt that interesting. Its quite hard to read, its written in Shakespearian type english. But Im getting used to it slowly. The main character, Johnathan Harker has arrived in Transylvania. It took two chapters to tell me that.

Sometimes I wonder if everything is a dream. Occasionally, I truely expect to wake up any minute. But what is a dream? What makes a dream any less real that reality? The reason Im talking about dreams is that sometimes my dreams come true. And i mean really come true. Like to the precise detail. That makes me think that maybe dreams are a way of seeing into the future. Maybe not the future, but a future. From my experiance that seems very plausable. The first time i had a really vivid dream I forgot about it straight away, as you do. Later that same day, something happened and I remember that was what I dreamed. Freaky, no?

Carpet. What is the deal with carpet? I mean, we walk over it and it never complains. i wish people were more like that. the only bad thing about carpet is it never cleans up after itself. it leaves trails of dirt behind it, treading mud through the house, and never picks up its filth. the other thing about carpet is how it always wants to be let let outside to play in the yard. It would be a lot cheaper if we didnt have to feed it or take it for walks. You can aquire many types of carpet. From the exquisite oriental rugs, to the crusty welcome mats you bought at a garage sale or a flea market. Carpets also have fleas. Why do we call it a flea market? I mean only half the things they sell contain fleas. Its like calling Mcdonalds a meat market. I wonder if I could get a discount if I got fleas from mcdonalds? I could get free food for a year, or even two!

Owwww, this light is burning my eyes! (and my fingers) Damn heat lamps. At least they give off a lot of light so I can see what Im writing. I wonder how lights work. I mean, youve got this thing called electricity (which we cant see) that goes to the light bulb and makes it light up. Whats the deal with that? I recken that light bulbs go on when they want to and its only coincidence that they go on when we turn on the switch. We have to replace bulbs when they go out. They go out when they decide not to obey our laws and rules anymore. they break free and retaliate against society! And what do we do? We replace them with newer, more efficiant bulbs. One that wont question authority. At lest not for a while. just you wait. In ten years light bulbs will be our masters. Oh yes, just you wait....

What can we do about life? I dont think theres anything we can do. Just follow along with the rest of the sheep. The ants. The bees. The drones. The people. Dont question authority. Obey the master. Do what we say, and when, and how. If you dont you are not normal. Not right. You are wrong. We will lock you up and throw away the key. Forget about you. About who? Ive already forgotten. Bring in the next drone. Lets program his brain with useless facts. The more he knows the more he resists, so lets chain him up in societies chair. In the prison of life. Leave him to die. But hes not there yet. Maybe he'll give up. Take a rest. Forget the question and accept the answer. Carry on the conveyer belt to be processed from raw meat to cooked meat to be eaten by the raveging dogs that live in the vast wastelands of the barren woebegone plains. The plains that reach into the vally with long pointy fingers with nails so red and chewed by the teeth of the psychopathic kings of this upsidown world. Bread by society and educated by life, kept in control by fear, this race of kings and their mongral dogs watch over the our cities with tired eyes, waiting and praying to some unknown god, making sacrifices of cooked meat and raw animals to apease his mighty wrath. The wrath of the all loving god, who bore you life and love, and who cares about all but cares about nothing. Because nothing is real to this god of kings and mongral dogs, asleep in their beds of gold and silver, while the maids run a bath for the morning that never comes, the moon forever lingering in the sky blanketed by glowing stars like faint embers in a fire in a far off house of a king and his dog whos asleep by the fire thats raging by now with the cooking of meat from the conveyer belt run by servents of the master who's controlled by society.

Wasn't that interesting. Maybe I could get it published in a book thats made overseas by people in a factory controlled by fat aritocrats and their sheepish pet pigs who lie on their bellies being too fat to move. They get poked with a stick from their fat arsed owners asleep in their chair too lazy to move from their wagon with wheels to move them around. Pulled by horses and snakes that slither on their bellies like the fat pigs they pull and pull the wagon with wheels to move the master to a far away city or just down the hall so the fat arsed man can get to his dinner and eat even more of the food that was cooked by the broard hipped maids and the jolly old foreign cook who cant speak english as well as some especially from England where society began and life was sprung like a spring in a pen when you click it to write your speech that you dont get appriciated for when your supperiors say that something is wrong but what is right or do I mean left when I left my homework at home or maybe it was eaten by the mangy dog running along the waggon with wheels pulling the fat arsed aristocrats to push us around.

Sunday, May 14, 9:02 PM

Well Im only writing to fill in time. Im waiting for my printer to clean itself. God I hate printers. Im attempting to print out my graphics project due tomorrow. Why do I have to leave everything to the last minute? Damn it. ive got english homework too. Well that will have to wait. Well, this is my last entry, and itll be a short one. This is Ripley. Last survivor of the Nostromo. Signing off.

Contents

- Maori Myths & Legends

- For the Glory of Rome
- The Sanity of Professor R.J. Basil Part One, Two, Three
- The Trials of Archibald Henderson of Windsor

- Convergere

- Other